Her Quintessence — Separation
“The soul is a long-time thing — it’s not a flame to be extinguished when it begins to flicker differently, smaller or brighter in alternating intervals depending on the wind passing through it”
Her Quintessence is a series of writing, that entails my journey in learning from, for, and about life.
Do you remember your first introduction to separation? I do, or should I say the adult version of me does. It felt like those lines that bound the sense of belonging and existence in my life were sliced apart in swift cuts, like clipping the strings to a bunch of balloons. Very important balloons, that were supposed to be holding me up, accompanying my growth, and providing me with a sense of security with comfort. Being separated from the root of my life, commonly identified as parents, impelled me into a tornado of insecurities and trauma.
Such feelings are common, as on average there are more than 500 thousand divorce cases registered in Indonesia every year, affecting more than 1 million children. As much as I wish to tell you that divorce won’t affect those innocent bystanders that have no choice but to become an integral part of adult issues, multiple researchers have proven otherwise.
Now, I’m not writing this to encourage people to withhold their marriage in every way possible or to convey pity. As time went by, I came to believe that every parent is a precious individual of their own, who deserves to find their own sense of happiness and existence. Instead, this piece is a recollection of survival methods that I took, to tame the various effects of separation. My therapist always said that there are three main issues that often arrive in the heart of a child who survives divorce. First, the feeling of being the one who was left behind, then the lack of confidence and motivation, and lastly the distrust of common moral beliefs. Well, personally all I can remember was confusion and anger.
Since divorce is very common, society won’t bat an eye at your pain. Instead, they will be curious about ‘the scandal’ that caused the divorce. Adults will come to convey their condolences, looking at you with pity, but not many will actually look you in the eye and wonder about your pain. Thus, as children, it won’t be easy to find adults who actually care enough to help you. I was lucky to find one, hopefully, you are too.
But, looking back… it wasn’t just the presence of an adult who helped me. It was my hunger of being economically independent, my eagerness to find creative enrichment, and solitude that pushed me to connect with the world.
Economic Independence…
Well, this is a problem for every child but for children like us, there are layers of urgency for it. If you live in Indonesia, the law requires you to be at least 18 years old for work. But if you are at least 14 years old, you are allowed to work as an educational experience, under supervision. So, if you are younger than 14 years old and want to survive economically there aren’t that many options. There are various academic-based scholarship funds from foundations or the government, which require you to maintain certain grades.
The most important thing to have for being able to be independent economically is confidence. You need to talk to people, convince them to invest in you, and that is not easy. Professionals might require you to have experience, but if you are young, like me, start with being confident in learning things positively.
Positively is the keyword here. Separation might expose you to variables of despair and negativity, but you need to open a new chapter that allows you to believe that there is more. If you like reading, I recommend these books (especially Little Garden) for extra encouragement.
Creative Enrichment…
You might find this cliché but this world is super vast, even if it is just a tiny blue dot in the galaxy, it is vast. Domestic problems succumb us to despair as it rises right inside your four walls and is very hard to escape from.
But, I do not want you to run away.
Problems create turmoil, it disturbs us. Ironically, being disturbed helps us to be more sensitive than others, as we start seeing things differently. For the longest time, people have been saying that the greatest arts are born from tragedy, and each tragedy has its own magic. I wish, despite feeling heartbroken you will be motivated to go the extra mile to find things that excite you. Theoretically, it is said to find your calling or the purpose of life.
This is an alternative to fill the hole in our hearts, to not feel lonely, and to find inner comfort. It is okay to feel sad, but be sure to know the way to feel okay, and creative enrichment helps to find personalized methods to do so.
Last but not least, I do not feel comfortable saying that I understand what you have been through and how difficult it is for you. But, I dare to say that separation is always the beginning of various things. Allow yourself to believe that there is more to life, and will always be more. Being a part of society might feel overwhelming and lonely, but it is possible for you to be free.
[If you need help, please do not hesitate to reach people that you trust. Indonesia has several hotlines for suicide-prone support click here. But, if you need a new friend, you can reach me personally by sending letter to my email phasquita@gmail.com]
